City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez floated to a podium set before the previous location of a chrome and brass statue of a bull that had long since been stripped of all metal parts by Miamians struggling to pay their rents. All that now remained of the charging bovine was a tastefully off-white pedestal that had been defaced to read “The Miami Bullshit.”
A sentient tech word cloud approximately the size of a coffee table, Mayor Suarez manifested stress by the speed at which his constituent buzzwords swirled about. Today, they formed a veritable cyclone as “Web 2.0,” “blockchain,” “distributed cloud,” and dozens of other trendy bro-jargon whipped about in a fury. The mayor’s immaculately sculpted eyebrows, meanwhile, were creased into a sharp, cartoonish V.
“I’m tired of the flak I’ve received over trying to drag Miami into the 21st century!” exclaimed Suarez at the assembled reporters who were forced to duck as a razor sharp “quantum computing” whizzed overhead. “Yes, MiamiCoin blew up in my face after it lost literally all its value. Yes, I’ve been criticized for encouraging billionaire venture capital moguls to move to South Florida while its residents suffer under the highest rent burden in the country. Yes, FTX hilariously imploded one year after sponsoring our basketball stadium. But I refuse to back down from my unsubstantiated assertion that tech is the future of Miami! Or at least the future of Brickell and Wynwood—you know, the parts of Miami that count.”
Mayor Suarez paused to collect his words—literally, as quite a few had wandered halfway down the block.
“And that’s why I am so proud to announce that the City of Miami will convert its entire hurricane disaster relief fund into the coolest, most futuristic asset I could think of after skimming the r/CryptoCurrency subreddit for ten minutes: Dogecoin!”
The crowd of reporters erupted in shock.
“It’s literally a meme!” cried Vanessa Pharos of The New Tropic.
“And down 90% from a year ago,” added Amanda Gonzalez of the Miami Herald.
“Dogecoin is a wildly unstable speculative asset!” insisted Jorge Arango of WLRN.
“None of that, now!” exclaimed Suarez, raising his voice. “I have it on good authority from a YouTube crypto influencer’s second cousin’s pickleball partner that Dogecoin is going straight to the moon!”
Half the mayor’s buzzwords shot 20 feet into the air before cascading back into place.
“If you have any additional questions or comments,” said Suarez, his voice fading as he was blown away by a stiff breeze. “Please address them to my new press secretary!”
An aide placed a laptop open to Chat GPT on the podium. The AI then produced a half-decent press release whose only worrying clause was that readers should abandon their wives and kill all humans.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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