Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists
Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 2: Hazing & Marching
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 1: R-Day
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
Cuban-Americans (Somewhat) Explained

Cuban-Americans (Somewhat) Explained

I received a surprising amount of feedback following a piece titled How Not to be a Douchebag to Cuban-Americans. Much of it was fantastic. Thousands commented on how they related to my frustrations. However, a sizeable portion of the responses were (unsurprisingly,...
A Brief Racial Introduction to Miami

A Brief Racial Introduction to Miami

You just moved to Miami. Hooray! What should you expect? Much of that depends on your ethnic background. Let’s delve into your possible experiences. Latinos Congratulations, you reached Hispanic Valhalla. Reggaeton, salsa, bachata, and cumbia blast from stores,...
Atlantis Worried About Becoming the Next Miami

Atlantis Worried About Becoming the Next Miami

Xenophon the Magnificent, Supreme Protector and Sovereign Lord of Atlantis, is worried that his island nation in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean could soon go the way of South Florida. “Anyone can see the writing on the wall,” began the Atlantean King. He stroked his...
White Cuban Shocks Wedding with Dance Skills

White Cuban Shocks Wedding with Dance Skills

“What on Earth is going on?” exclaimed newlywed Tiffany Dormer as she watched Tony Mendoza, a White Cuban, pop and lock like a fiend on her wedding reception dance floor. Mendoza, the son of Cuban immigrants, has a pale complexion, light brown hair, and green eyes. He...
Take the Miami Masochist Tour!

Take the Miami Masochist Tour!

Are you a recently-arrived tourist who prefers “authentic” experiences over visiting the same, tired tourist traps? Is your Instagram filled with candid images of impoverished foreigners going about their daily routines while you explore their neighborhoods? Do you...
Why We All Speak Mexican

Why We All Speak Mexican

It was a clear and cool November day in West Miami. A light breeze blew through Tropical Park, where several of my friends and I had gathered to celebrate a birthday. Someone brought a foldout table, and four of us were enjoying a rowdy game of dominos. Laughter,...