Miami Stories Archives - Page 18 of 29

Miamians Should Be Proud, But Also, Fuck This City

If you think this is another hit piece laying out how Miami is superficial, and vacuous, and immature, and petty, and etc., and etc., well, it’s not. Neither the article nor the city. It’s about how most Miamians feel two simultaneous, seemingly diametrically opposed...

Five Silly Socially Distant Alternatives to Miami’s Kiss on the Cheek

Miami’s kiss on the cheek is one of the city’s most famous cultural institutions. Tourists often mistook it as a sign of our allegedly promiscuity. We often ascribed that mistake to them being uncouth boors. Meanwhile, our neighbors to the north elected to...

Miamians Looking Forward to Being Assholes to Each Other Again

Julia Flores, a 41-year-old Westchester native, slouched on a loveseat and absentmindedly fiddled with her phone. “There’s a lot I miss,” she said. “I’ve been cooped up for months. So, of course, I want to go the movies, see my family, grab drinks with friends, but...

Miami’s Mythical Animals Roam Its Streets During Quarantine

I rode down an eerily quiet Brickell Avenue at 3 AM with Denise Holcombe, Zoo Miami’s Director of Fabled Creatures. “With less people on the streets, Miamians are reporting more frequent fox, deer, bear, and even panther sightings,” said Holcombe as she passed 8th...

Miami-Dade PD Hires Chancleta-Wielding Abuelas to Enforce Curfew

Miami curfew update: “¡Métete en tu casa, coño!” yelled Pilar Rodriguez, a diminutive 77-year-old woman wearing a floral nightgown, face mask, and latex gloves. She charged a young couple across the street, brandishing a sandal over her head. “¡Son las once de la...

Miami’s Traffic God Wonders Where All the Crazies Went

Yoandri, Miami’s universally detested god of traffic, looked down upon South Florida from his home high on Mount Tropical Park, and sighed dejectedly. On a whim, he raised the Brickell drawbridge. Nothing. He threw a barricade across the Golden Interchange. Nothing....