Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists
Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 2: Hazing & Marching
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 1: R-Day
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban

Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban

Ron DeSantis slithered out the den beneath the Governor’s Mansion where he liked to hibernate while digesting stray pets, wriggled into an ill-fitting navy-blue suit, slid into his office, and pushed his 12-foot-long body up a podium until his unblinking eyes rose...
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists

ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists

In its bid to purge all genetic and ideological hurdles to Donald Trump’s rapidly metastasizing ethno-state, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) revised its hiring practices to accept any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a paper copy of the Constitution,...
Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants

Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants

Miami’s politicians swelled with pride at announcing they were rapidly spending $840 million to build a thing literally no one in their city even remotely wanted. When their constituents forthrightly declared that they didn’t want the thing and would really rather...
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week

How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week

This is the fourth essay in a five-part series. To read the previous piece, see here.Reorgy Week At the tail end of Beast, my squad sat on the ground beside Lake Fredrick, the field camp where we’d spent the last several weeks, backs against our rucksacks. The...
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field

How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field

This is the fourth essay in a five-part series. To read the previous piece, see here.Rucking The Army takes everything you loved as a child and makes it awful. Campgrounds turn into forward operating bases (FOBs). Reading for pleasure becomes memorizing to avoid pain....
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep

How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep

This is the third essay in a five-part series. To read the previous piece, see here.Food And we’ve come to starvation. Healthy, athletic male college freshmen in industrialized countries tend not to weigh 113 pounds. They also tend not to drop 27 pounds from their...