Bro, like, I bet you didn’t even know that “bro” is now Miami-Dade County’s official pronoun, bro. But, bro, it’s totally true. Don’t believe me? Fine bro, just listen to what Miami-Dade County Mayor Daniella Levine Cava had to say about it at today’s news conference.

“Good morning, bros,” began the mayor before an auditorium packed with local journalists. “Given its unparalleled importance in Miami’s vernacular, it’s my absolute pleasure to declare that “bro” will now and forever be declared the Magic City’s official pronoun. Henceforth, all other pronouns in official county documentation and ceremonies will be replaced with “bro.” Do you bros have any questions?”

Delila Gutierrez of the Miami Herald raised her hand.

“Aren’t you forcing county residents to gender all pronouns as masculine?” she asked.

“Chill, bro,” responded Levine Cava. “Though I’m glad you asked that question. We only made this decision after extensive consultations with a committee of distinguished syntactical experts. I’ll now turn the podium over to Dr. Amanda Pierre, the Chair of FIU’s Linguistics Departments.”

Dr. Pierre, a 50-year-old Haitian American academic in a sharp gray suit, took the stage.

“Hello, bros,” she began. “To answer Ms. Gutierrez’s question, yes, the etymological evolution of the word “bro” can be traced to the Modern English “brother,” which is derived from the Old English “brōthor” and the Germanic “bruder,” all of which are masculine. Nevertheless, as with the current incarnation of “guy,” Miami’s syntactical “bro” has morphed into a completely gender neutral term in common parlance.”

“What do you mean?” demanded WLRN’s Sonia Santos.

“Anyone can be a bro,” explained Dr. Pierre. “Male, female, and non-binary. You can call your girlfriend, wife, or female friend “bro.” The same applies to any member of your family, as it has been completely decoupled from its traditional familial roots. Your mother, father, and sister are all bros. E.g. “Bro, mom, can you get me a glass of water?””

“Then what constitutes whether or not someone is called “bro?”” asked Grace Kneif of Channel 10.

“After conducting extensive research into the matter, my colleagues and I discovered that the only prerequisite for calling someone “bro” is what you would reflexively yell at them if they cut you off on the Palmetto Expressway. For instance, “What the fuck are you doing, bro!?””

Given its almost universal everyday use, the order was quickly adopted in all official legal ceremonies within the county. For example, I recently attended a wedding ceremony that went as follows:

Priest: “Bro, do you take this bro to be your lawfully wedded bro in sickness and in health until death do you part?”

Bride: “I do, bro.”

Priest: “Dale. Bro, do you take this bro to be your lawfully wedded bro in sickness and in health until death do you part?”

Groom: “For sure, bro.”

Priest: “Epa. I now pronounce you bro and bro. You may kiss the bro.”

Not to be confused with the truly heinous “brah” or even worse “bruv,” “bro” can only be replaced in certain settings with the Hispanicized “broder.” Further stylistic guidelines state that, though the “bro sandwich” (“Bro, my ass is getting too big for these jeans, bro.”) is perfectly acceptable, the “bro triple decker” (“Bro, like bro, what are you even doing right now, bro?”) is a bit egregious.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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