“¡Coño! ¡Se me está quemando la ciudad!” cried the Abrahamic Creator of the universe.

Noticing the edges around Homestead and Aventura starting to burn slightly, and not wanting to excessively dry out the Magic City, the Great Almighty quickly switched the Celestial Oven Miami had been sitting in since April from broil to bake.

The Alpha and Omega peered through the stove window and frowned.

“Se me pasó la mano,” He muttered to Himself, having subjected Miami’s denizens to several summer heat waves well into the upper 90s.

Come January, the One in All would have to place Miami in front of the air vent for a good two weeks to keep from ruining the entire city, while New York, Chicago, and Boston were shoved to the back of the freezer until May or whenever He remembered where He’d put them.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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