Seeking to profit off the cryptocurrency coke-fueled fervor just as Bitcoin, Doge, and Ethereum prices continue to crater, the City of Miami today issued its own blockchain bullshit and christened it ComemierdaCoin. This hot new cryptocurrency immediately quadrupled in value  from $0 to also $0 because third grade arithmetic rules still apply to speculative bubbles.

ComemierdaCoin’s greatest innovation is how its blockchain code pegs its value to several independent indicators: the price of a croqueta preparada in Little Havana’s El Cristo Restaurant, the I-95 southbound express lane toll rate, and the number of times City of Miami Commissioner Joe Carollo calls someone a communist in commission meetings. Despite the fact that these seemingly arbitrary fundamentals are completely decoupled from any meaningful markers of value, many investors are committed to long-term holds.

“Bro, like, my waiter at Olive Garden told me how he made $5 million on ComemierdaCoin, and I was like, yo! I should definitely take financial advice from this guy!” proclaimed Jose Naya, a 23-year-old T-Mobile sales rep. “So, I mortgaged my mom’s home, cashed out my abuela’s Roth IRA, and put it all in ComemierdaCoin! We going to the moon baby! To the mooooooon!!!”

Naya gesticulated excitedly at the noonday sun, apparently mistaking it for the moon.

Reached for comment about ComemierdaCoin’s stratospheric rise in value, City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez was found foaming at the mouth, rolling around his office floor in a tantric orgasm, his moans occasionally interrupted by exclamations of “capital gains!” “hyperloop!” “Silicon Beach!” and other pseudo-techy buzzwords.

Tamara Echevarria, a University of Miami professor specializing in cryptocurrency, was horrified when she learned of ComemierdaCoin’s launch.

“This is insane!” insisted Echevarria. “ComemierdaCoin has absolutely no intrinsic value. It’s just a PR stunt! Who the hell would buy something so dumb?”

Undeterred by Echevarria’s admonition, the City of Miami plans to launch several new ComemierdaCoin knockoffs including ChancletaCoin, ChongaCoin, NoJodasCoin, and EresTremendoSapingoCoin.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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