Are you a recently-arrived tourist who prefers “authentic” experiences over visiting the same, tired tourist traps? Is your Instagram filled with candid images of impoverished foreigners going about their daily routines while you explore their neighborhoods? Do you brag about only eating local food on your travels, as long as it isn’t too spicy, or fishy, or gross?
Then take the Miami Masochist Tour! Forget Lincoln Road, Bayside Marketplace, and Wynwood. Experience Miami like a true local!
Scenic Palmetto Expressway!
The excursion begins with an 8 AM drive down the 836 from West Kendall to Brickell. Time and distance will lose all meaning as you spend hours stuck in your own personal purgatory of never-ending highway construction. See Miamians in their natural state—stressed, angry, and ready to ram your car off the road if you dare merge into their lane. Don’t forget to turn on your hazard lights when it rains!
Beautiful Brickell Drawbridge!
Once in Brickell, you’ll be stuck behind a moveable bridge across the Miami River with hundreds of other motorists just so some New England millionaire’s sailboat can get into the Bay. But the fun doesn’t stop there! When traffic finally gets moving, be ready to repeatedly slam on your breaks as pedestrians, bicyclists, and electric scooters lunge in front of your car with no regard for their lives. Lunch will be served at Whole Foods, where you’ll be provided a heaping plate of judgment by transplanted yuppies for your outdated jeans.
Historic Overtown!
Grab a bus to Historic Overtown. Just kidding! Miami’s public transportation system is mostly composed of dilapidated mule-drawn carts. Those animals don’t get much to eat, so either the mule or you are more than likely to die before arriving at your destination. Anyway, when your Uber drops you off at Overtown, you can catch a show at Lyric Theater, grab a bite at Jackson Soul Food, check out beautiful murals, and join other gentrifying gawkers helping to push up rents.
Handsome Hialeah!
Next stop Hialeah! Or is it Miami Lakes? It’s really impossible to tell. When you’re not dodging packs of wild roosters, you might notice that no one will talk to you in English. It’s not because they don’t speak it. You just kind of look like a prick. Make your way to Hialeah Hospital, where you’ll wait six hours before seeing an over-worked registered nurse. She’ll hand you a pair of Advil and a bill for $5,000, regardless of your ailment.
Lovely Little Haiti!
Dinner time! You’ll be dropped off in Little Haiti and given a grocery list of fruits, vegetables, and other healthy foods to buy. Got you again! Little Haiti is a certified food desert, so make do with a bag of Funyuns and a Pepsi from G’s Liquor.
Fantastic Florida City!
Time to take a 5:30 PM trip down to Florida City, whose official motto is “Pay the F***ing Bribe.” Rush hour will be in full swing, so schedule a 20 to 30-hour drive. Upon arrival, you’ll be put to work on a tropical fruit farm from 7 AM to 10 PM every day for three months. Who are we kidding? Your frail little body won’t last half an hour. Good thing the Central American farm workers are pretty nice. They’ll lean you against a tree after you faint.
GTFO!
When you come to, grab an Uber, go straight to the airport, and fly to the nearest resort, where you won’t have to think about locals or their petty concerns. We hope you enjoyed the Miami Masochist Tour, and expect you’ll stop being such a douchey punk when you travel!
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
