“I just need to SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!” exclaimed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on the steps of the state legislature, arms to the sky and caution to the winds.
The reporters assembled for the press release winced and grimaced as DeSantis held his last off-key note for a good fifteen seconds before it died a halting, painful death.
The governor cleared his throat.
“Ehem!” he continued. “But the real reason I’m demanding Disney cast me in the lead role of High School Musical the Series is to use it as a platform to combat the greatest threats facing Florida’s teenagers: unisex bathrooms and books that make White people uncomfortable.”
“What about mass shootings?” asked a journalist.
“Or that Florida ranks 45th in the nation for funding K-12 education?” inquired a second.
“Or 49th in teacher pay?” added a third.
“Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba!” interrupted DeSantis with a raised hand. “I’ll have none of that woke liberal bullshit from you today. Florida’s parents don’t care if their kids lose federal school lunches because I refuse to hang posters saying their schools respect gender identity and orientation. They don’t care that I’ll happily see an entire school library stripped of its books because kids might stumble across a story about two male penguins raising a chick. They don’t care that I’m marginalizing trans youth, one of the state’s most vulnerable populations, 40% of which have attempted suicide at least once. What they really, truly care about is that: 1. I own the libs and 2. I get my time to SHIIIIIIINE in a teen musical!”
The governor then broke into a 5-minute song and dance routine about how the gays want to groom your children into wearing capris pants, at the end of which he stood panting and sweating, in a state of melodic ecstasy.
“I’ll take one more question,” he said before downing a bottle of water presented by an aide.
Barry Truman of the Jacksonville Daily Record stood from his seat.
“Given your animosity toward the LGBTQ+ community, do you not find it a bit ironic that you’re asking for a prominent role in a musical, a form of artistic expression that is heavily associated with gay culture?” he asked.
“Arrest that man!” cried DeSantis.
15 Florida state troopers tackled the journalist to the floor.
When asked for comment on DeSantis’ demands, Disney CEO Robert Iger chuckled quietly to himself and responded, “I’m sure we can find a suitable role for the governor.”
DeSantis dropped all ongoing lawsuits against Disney when he was informed of their acquiesce. However, his team failed to notice that the legally binding contract they signed only allowed for the governor’s head to be superimposed on an extra given exactly three seconds of camera time. The episode will be exclusively available on Disney’s Vietnamese streaming service via a direct link posted on an Albanian subreddit dedicated to Star Wars fan art erotica.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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