Alberto Rodriguez (aged 82), grandfather to Susan and Emilio Rodriguez (aged 17 and 22, respectively), confirmed to his progeny this past Thursday that he’d be just as racist next year as during the previous 12 months. The fact that he was an immigrant and member of an ethnic minority would continue to have absolutely no bearing on his all-consuming prejudice.

Indeed, to the dismay of his exasperated grandchildren, Mr. Rodriguez loudly declared at a family get-together that he planned to amplify the scope and intensity of his bigotry in its myriad forms. Women, the LGBTQ community, Millennials, Generation Z, and “the poors” would all receive increased ire. Of course, the traditional targets of his discrimination (Blacks, Muslims, and Central Americans, in no particular order) would continue to bear the brunt of his animosity throughout the coming year.

At this point in time, Mr. Rodriguez’s grandchildren have just about given up on pointing out the hypocrisies and inconsistencies in his hours-long diatribes.

“There’s nothing we can do,” insisted Susan Rodriguez with a mix of frustration and defeatism while Mr. Rodriguez ranted forcefully about how President Obama was a Nigerian Muslim. “It’s not like he’s even trying to convince anyone. I just think he likes the sound of his own voice.”

When approached for comment, Mr. Rodriguez brandished a candlestick over his head while insisting I “get the f— off my lawn, you f—ing snowflake!”

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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