First of all, I want to make it absolutely clear that I can’t be a bigot because my fifth grade best friend was half Haitian, I loved the second season of Atlanta (season one was OK), and according to 23andMe, I’m exactly 3.4% West African, so how can I possibly be racist against myself (laughs nervously), though, to be perfectly honest, if I don’t see at least three white people or light skinned Latinos for every Black person on any given block, I get extremely anxious and double check I locked my car doors, but I swear it’s only because the neighborhood has a bad reputation, not because I automatically assume any concentration of over five Black people is selling drugs, but regardless, there’s no way I’m racist because my abuelo played dominos all the time with his Black Dominican neighbor, and though Abuelo Eusebio did call him a cheating baboon behind his back, I swear it was all in good fun because that’s just the way that generation talked after checking over their shoulders a few times to make sure there were no Black people around, but I’m getting off topic because what I’m trying to say is that feeling nervous to the point of vomiting at the thought of my unborn daughter dating an African American man does not make me racist because I occasionally skim Black on white gangbangs on PornHub, but now I’m thinking about my daughter in the middle of that gangbang and… oh my God… (vomits violently)… OK, I’m back, and like I was saying, I listened to Outkast and wore corn rolls for a week in 8th grade, so how can I possibly be prejudiced because, come on, even Pitbull used the N-word in “Dammit Man,” though I never, ever say it unless I’m a little tipsy and singing along to an old school Kanye song, which is beside the point because I’m just worried that the cultural differences between my Latina daughter and a Black man would just be too great, like the fact that Black people speak really loudly, and are known to arrive late to everything, and love to dance, and… wait a second… (vomits violently once more), sorry, I thought about the gangbang again, but getting back on track, at the end of the day, I’m a just a forward-thinking, tolerant, accepting Latino who wants his non-existent daughter to be happy and doesn’t want to strain to make conversation with an imaginary Black boyfriend across a dinner table, but, if she’s really, absolutely, hell-bent on dating a Black guy, then I guess I could stomach it because at least she wouldn’t be gay.
If you like our stories, check out the first free chapter of our new book.
Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
