Miami-Dade County Mayor Daniella Levine Cava announced she had appointed Estelle Puig, a 72-year-old abuela of 12, as the region’s first Chief Comemierdería Officer. Beyond tackling Miami’s skyrocketing comemierdería epidemic, Puig will also be responsible for tamping similarly worrying rises in payasería, jodienda, and pleito (often correlated with juego de mano).

Wearing a floral bata de casa, chancletas, and hair rollers, the diminutive Puig climbed onto a stool set behind a lectern to address a gaggle of reporters at County City Hall, a Vanidades magazine gripped menacingly in one hand.

“¡Ya basta con las barbaridades!” she cried, jolting the journalists in their seats. “Estoy harta del comportamiento de esta ciudad, de cómo los bobos tiran basura en el medio ambiente, y agarran a tiburones desde sus yetskis, e ignoran las leyes de tránsito y suben todas sus sapinguerías a TikiToki. ¡Estas cosas no pasaban en Cuba, y ya no pasarán más aquí! ¡Te lo juro! ¿Preguntas?”

Not a soul dared raise a hand.

“¡Perfecto!” exclaimed Puig, waving the magazine over her head. “¡Sálganse de aquí! ¡Ya! ¡Marcha!”

Everyone scrambled out of the room.

Puig stomped out of the conference room and immediately set about fulfilling her mandate. Within the first few hours on the job, she delivered a chancletazo to a Homestead developer draining the Everglades, a soplamocos to an Aventura man casually using racial slurs, and a cocotazo to a Porsche owner driving 60 miles an hour in a school zone.

Citywide comemierdería dropped an astonishing 85% in the first few weeks since Puig was hired, leading to an unprecedented rise in racionalidad and sentido común in a city tan llena de locuras como Miami.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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