“Oh, for My sake!” cried the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth. “I ruined the Mydamned thing!”

Peeking into the Great Celestial Convection Oven placed on the countertop of His Hallowed Open Plan Kitchen, God belatedly realized He set Miami’s temperature far too high, turning the city into a charbroiled mess.

Worse yet, He had visitors coming over that evening expecting to see a world-class city. The Alpha and Omega had tried to veil some of Miami’s most glaring deficiencies—laughable public transit, a lack of affordable housing, widespread corruption, and infuriating traffic—under a thick layer of buttercream, but there was no hiding the absolute disaster it had become.

In desperation, the Absolute Being slid on a pair of Holy Hand Mittens and removed the scorched city from the oven. Looking around the kitchen, He did the only thing He thought might remedy this disaster and threw Miami into the Divine Kitchen Sink.

God opened the Sublime Water Tap and watched rising sea levels slowly drown Miami Beach and Brickell.

“This is the last time I try something I see on The Great British Baking Show,” He muttered under His breath as most of the city sank into the ocean.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.