Francis Suarez, the City of Miami’s Cuban American mayor and walking, talking, 5’6” brown paper bag stuffed with unmarked $100 bills, sauntered to a podium on skinny cartoon legs and grabbed the mic with a four-fingered white gloved hand.
“Thank you for coming today,” he flapped at the assembled group of journalists through two rough lips made by the upper and lower parts of the bag opening. Quivering googly eyes above his “mouth” were framed by the most spectacular pair of eyebrows you’ve ever seen.
This was just another day in the life of the 20 or so journalists assembled outside city hall to hear the mayor speak. After all, who were they to judge if Miamians voted an anthropomorphic sack of dark money into office?
Suarez coughed lightly, sending a few bills twirling through the air, which we dexterously snatched midflight and shoved back down his throat.
“I have a big announcement to make,” he continued. “As I’m sure many of you know, I might or might not have a few criminal investigators snooping around at my activities while mayor.”
Suarez simultaneously faced FBI and state and county ethics investigations for accepting undisclosed bribes in the form of $170,000 from a real estate developer seeking a permit from the city, $30,000 Formula 1 tickets, $20,000 courtside Miami Heat playoff tickets, and $15,000 in skin care treatments. Only one of these was made up and I bet you can’t tell which.
Suarez sheepishly cleared his throat. Another bill floated away on the breeze before he could grab it.
“So…” he vacillated. “I’m not saying I’m going to jail, but if I were going to jail—and it’s a big if—I’m told you need to have someone watch your back. And, since I happen to know another guy currently facing 91 criminal charges, I wouldn’t at all be averse to rooming with former President Donald Trump—if he’ll have me.”
Suarez was met with several seconds of quizzical silence from the reporters.
“Is that all?” asked Jeremy Hill of The Miami Herald. “You couldn’t get a cabinet position or ambassadorship to Slovenia out of the Republican primary, so now you’re asking President Trump to be your cellmate?”
Suarez opened his flap to respond but was cut short when a rainstorm abruptly ended the press conference. An ambulance rushed the mayor to Mercy hospital to keep him from disintegrating into pulp, but Suarez stated he would literally rather die than be separated from the untraced stacks of money in his body, thereby making it far more difficult for medical staff to dry him out. He remains in the intensive care unit, on a beach towel, surrounded by dehumidifiers, in grave condition.
When asked to opine on Suarez’s endorsement or current condition, Trump responded with, “What the hell do I care what that Mexican says? Why haven’t we deported him yet?”
If you like our stories, buy our book!
Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
