Florida Meteorologists announced the state was guaranteed a moderate to heavy iguanafall from the Panhandle down to the Florida Keys.Residents were advised to don their customary iguana helmets and body armor to protect themselves from these reptilian projectiles, which can weight up to nine pounds apiece.

Floridians were warned to expect the air to be particularly thick with dropping iguanas in the early morning. This quintessentially Floridian weather phenomenon would lift slightly as temperatures rose in the afternoon before once more increasing in intensity come nightfall.

Herpetologists sent a concurrent announcement stating that the earthbound iguanas were almost certainly not dead. Rather, as cold-blooded animals, they become temporarily paralyzed as temperatures drop, leading them to lose their grips and involuntarily descend from their perches. They typically regain locomotion as temperatures rise. However, don’t feel too bad for them, as green iguanas are an invasive species that damages Florida’s fauna.

Along with the near certainty of a heavy statewide iguanafall, meteorologists also projected a 100% chance of tourists freaking the fuck out.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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