Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that he no longer recognizes Miami-Dade County as residing within state borders, effectively formalizing a Florida secession.

“We’re fed up with Miami!” declared DeSantis, repeatedly slamming his fist on the podium at a news conference. “They don’t look like us, they think they’re better than us, and they talk all sorts of funny languages we don’t understand. Miami already acts like a separate country, so why not just make it official?”

Asked to elaborate on his linguistic objection to the Magic City, DeSantis explained that, last time he visited, most residents did not initially address him or his staff in English. Upon insisting they cease speaking their native tongues, several residents alternatively called him a “pendejo” and “tèt zozo” which he first assumed were compliments.

“But they’re not compliments!” clarified DeSantis, growing progressively angrier. “Florida is the most dignified, respected state in the Union. We won’t have people denigrate us in languages we don’t even speak!”

“What do they do for Florida, huh?” demanded DeSantis of the assembled reporters. “We don’t need them!”

When informed that Miami-Dade County was the largest economic engine in the state, DeSantis ignored the comment and left the media conference in a huff.

A county-wide referendum will decide whether Miamians wish to secede completely from the U.S. or be designated a new state, commonwealth, or territory. All polling regarding their separation from Florida indicates that Miamians couldn’t give less of a damn.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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