Government Implements Miami Savings Time

Government Implements Miami Savings Time

Exasperated with Miamians’ habit of arriving late to parties, conferences, classes, baptisms, weddings, funerals, breakfasts, brunches, lunches, dinners, and every other conceivable appointment, the Commerce Department’s National Institute of Standards and Technology...
Cuban Haunted House Will Feature Chupacabra and Communism

Cuban Haunted House Will Feature Chupacabra and Communism

“We want to scare the shit out of Cubans,” said Dominic Infante, manager of ¡Ño Que Asusto!, the world’s first haunted house designed specifically for Cubans and Cuban-Americans. “The first thing we do is convince them they’ve entered a post-apocalyptic world.” Asked...
Cubans Keep Despojando Haunted Hotel

Cubans Keep Despojando Haunted Hotel

“God dammit!” shouted Jeffrey Lisicki, owner of the Crimson Rose, Saint Augustine’s premier haunted bed and breakfast. “We lost another ghost!” “That’s the third this month!” cried Sarah Lisicki, his business partner and wife. “Soon, there be any ghosts left in the...
The 50 Stages of a Miami Goodbye

The 50 Stages of a Miami Goodbye

It’s 2 AM. You’ve been at your cousin’s party for the last five hours. You desperately want to leave, drive home, and collapse onto your bed. You’d love nothing more than to walk straight out of your this house while diligently avoiding eye contact with every human...
Miami Ranked Most F*ckable City

Miami Ranked Most F*ckable City

In the first study of its kind, the Pew Research Center released a nationwide municipal “Marry, Fuck, Kill” survey in which Miami ranked squarely in the middle classification. Over 20,000 individuals from diverse racial, gender, and sexual preference backgrounds...
Florida Secedes from Miami

Florida Secedes from Miami

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that he no longer recognizes Miami-Dade County as residing within state borders, effectively formalizing a Florida secession. “We’re fed up with Miami!” declared DeSantis, repeatedly slamming his fist on the podium at a...