Are you an oligarch who recently fell out of favor with your ruling strongman? Are the proles protesting your family’s generations of accumulated atrocities? Did you accidentally siphon too much money from a state-owned company? Are you pursued by some pesky international criminal court for the use of child miners, farmers, factory workers, soldiers, and/or sex slaves? Did you kill one too many journalists?
Most importantly, are you worried about where to safely stash your money while you go underground? You’re in luck! INVEST IN BRICKELL! Where we happily dry clean the blood stains off your unmarked bills!
Located in the bustling heart of Downtown Miami, a gleaming Brickell condo is the perfect security box with a view. Your wheelbarrows of tainted international currency will be transformed into crisp, new, untraceable greenbacks through the magic of real estate. And not a single realtor will blink at the fact that you just paid for a $5 million penthouse in cash, because when you earn commission, everyone wins!
Miami’s endemic corruption (#4 in the nation!) will make you feel right at home. You’ll fit in seamlessly with packs of other expat kleptocrats as they bluster about town like they’re better than everyone else—because they are! Double park your lambo in a handicap spot! Refuse to pay the help a living wage! Call everything west of 2nd Avenue “the ghetto!” Miami’s your oyster and money’s your shucking knife!
Look, we’ve all been there. Your family literally owns a country, but never cared enough to invest in its education system. Is your progeny supposed to attend local schools? With the poors??? God, no! Miami offers a bevy of private institutions where your offspring will never have to interact with the unwashed masses (i.e. children without trust funds).
Our world-class international airport provides convenient non-stop flights to the mother country when you need to plan a quick weekend coup. Return charter flights are easily scheduled should the coup fail.
We won’t address the fact that your unchecked buying spree is raising rents and making this city the least affordable in the country since, honestly, you couldn’t give less of a shit. You just need a secure place to hide your ill-gotten gains until the psychopaths ruling your country are replaced by different psychopaths you like.
If our walls could talk, they wouldn’t—because they’d choke on our clients’ blood money! So buy Brickell, where apathy enables monsters!
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
