Ben Shapiro, the homophobic, climate-change-denying, Great Female Desiccator, met with City of Miami Mayor and sentient tech word cloud with eyebrows, Francis Suarez, for a Cafecito Talk this week.

“Thank you so much for joining us on this Cafecito Talk…” began Suarez.

“Don’t be a cuck, Frankie,” interjected Shapiro. A stream of smoke flowed from his mouth (vape fumes constantly spew from Shapiro’s bodily orifices), temporarily obscuring the word “crypto,” just above Suarez’s left eyebrow. “’Cafecito’ is a radical socialist Mexican word for ‘coffee.’ We’re having a Coffee Talk, Frankie, a Coffee Talk.”

“You’re absolutely right,” acquiesced Suarez, bobbing as the air conditioning turned on.

“Of course I am,” rejoined Shapiro, all unearned confidence.

“As I was saying, I’m so glad you decided to move to South Florida despite climate change activists’ insistence…”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” announced Shapiro, interrupting his host and filling the room with watermelon-flavored vapor. “Let’s say, hypothetically, I moved to South Florida, and didn’t do it to escape a civil suit filed by AOC after stealing her most delicious pair of pumps. For argument’s sake, we can all agree on that. But regardless, I’d never move to a region endangered by quote-unquote climate change because I am unfathomably smart, and I just wouldn’t. But if I did, and sea level rose by, say, AOC’s sexy feet—I mean 60 sexy feet—I mean, just 60 regular, sexy feet—in 100 years, it doesn’t even matter because, by and large, last I checked, the ocean isn’t even all that wet.”

Suarez’s eyebrows floated upward, covering the words “disruption” and “Silicon Beach.” A dozen fintech buzzwords spun frantically in a circle, manifesting his struggle to follow Shapiro’s logic.

“You’re right!” exclaimed the mayor after half a minute. “We’re so lucky to have you. Thank you for solving climate change!”

“You’re welcome,” replied Shapiro smugly, though the room had been so thoroughly obscured by smoke that it was impossible to see his facial expression.

Asked about Shapiro’s supposed aquatic expertise, his wife’s personal trainer responded with, “That guy has no idea what he’s talking about.” He looked me dead in the eye with the unwavering certainty of a man who knew he was absolutely correct, “Trust me.”

Following the Coffee Talk, Mayor Suarez invited Shapiro to view Miami’s world-famous Brickell waterfront. A column of red smoke rose high in the afternoon air, marking their progress down Biscayne Boulevard. As soon as Shapiro approached the sea wall, I’ll be damned, but the ocean receded several miles offshore.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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