Every Florida resident, from the Panhandle to the Keys, awoke this morning to find they had been awarded a Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Meteorology from the University of Unearned Expertise.

“Of course I know where the hurricane is making landfall!” declared Elvira Young, a registered nurse living in Ocala, FL. “I didn’t get my degree from Google!”

She gestured at the framed diploma on her living room wall. “A high pressure system forming off the coast of Georgia is strengthening, pushing the storm right into Daytona.”

“I’ve read Young’s analysis, and disagree vehemently,” stated Alberto Rodriguez, a general contractor from Pembroke Pines, FL, as he gently caressed his degree. “That high pressure system is going to get slammed by an occluded front out of the west. That’ll push it further offshore, the storm veers northeast and into the Atlantic.”

A dozen other Floridians passionately defended a range of wildly contradicting opinions regarding the hurricane’s projected path.

“This is a well-documented anomaly,” explained Julie Kay Roberts, Director of Communications of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). “Large tropical storm fronts typically accost coastal communities with high winds, rainfall, and instantaneous atmospheric proficiency.”

Asked if the diplomas were permanent phenomena, she responded to the negative. “They usually vanish the day after a storm passes.”

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