Smoke rose in dark, acrid columns from Downtown Orlando as a line of shackled Disney characters trudged out of the city and into an uncertain future. Passing by batteries of counterweight trebuchets, mangonels, and ballista that had reduced their heretofore impregnable triple Mickodosian Walls to ruble, the miserable Orlandoans bewailed their cruel fate.
Bruised and despondent, Goofy fell to his knees in the cold mud, lifted his bound arms, and cried to the heavens, “Where were you when we needed you, Walt!? You were but a frail god that shattered before our opponents’ fury!!!”
Moana and Olaf lifted Goofy to his feet and spirited him away before attracting the attention of nearby enemy men-at-arms lounging by a pile of princess tiaras. So fell Orlando, the last great citadel left in Florida Plunder & Loot’s (FPL) lightening assault across the Sunshine State.
Two months previously, upon reaching the outskirts of the city, FPL quickly completed a double wall of circumvallation to keep the besieged in and any relieving forces out. These defenses successfully protected their army despite several coordinated and tenacious assaults by a disparate coalition of environmentalist tribes.
Once safe behind their palisade, FPL set to work methodically reducing Orlando’s fortifications and morale. They commenced a nonstop bombardment of the city, launching generators, transformers, barrels of depleted uranium, diseased cattle, and the severed heads of captured Orlandoans over the walls. At the same time, they sent a massive plume of hyper-salinated liquid into the local aquifer, thereby denying the besieged access to potable water.
Mines and countermines were dug under the walls, leading to desperate fighting in the lightless, airless, underground, all knives, screams, and bloody pathos. A timely nighttime sortie allowed the Orlandoans to burn down FPL’s three siege towers as they slowly rumbled forward. Nevertheless, they had only postponed the inevitable.
On the day of the final assault, Eric Silagy the Impaler, FPL’s President, unleashed his personal guard of irradiated alligators in a frontal charge at the city gate. Unbeknownst to the defenders, this was but a distraction. The night before, FPL infiltrators had snuck into Orlando through a sewer pipe, eschewing a nearby and unguarded side gate because they preferred to crawl through shit as a matter of course. They then made their way to city hall, where they easily convinced local politicians to turn their coats for promises of a portion of the spoils.
The next day, while residents fought off the alligators, an FPL detachment was led into the city through a sally port. They slit the gate guards’ throats, raised the portcullis, and allowed the invading army to stream into Orlando. All able-bodied citizens under arms were massacred on the spot. Several thousand were herded into Spaceship Earth, whereupon FPL demolition teams blew up the supporting struts, allowing the enormous golf ball to flatten the town of Kissimmee as it rolled into Lake Tohopekaliga.
As expected, FPL goons lost no time pillaging, looting, and scrambling atop residential homes to pry off their rooftop solar panels because, ya know, fuck Floridians.
“This is a great day for Florida!” exclaimed Sialgy as the 32-floor SunTrust Center collapsed in a burning heap atop the Dr. Phillips Center for the Performing Arts.
“Our actions will ensure state residents have a brighter, better, more sustainable future for generations!” he added, his words just barely audible over the cries of several hundred thousand Floridians.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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