Miami’s kiss on the cheek is one of the city’s most famous cultural institutions. Tourists often mistook it as a sign of our allegedly promiscuity. We often ascribed that mistake to them being uncouth boors. Meanwhile, our neighbors to the north elected to greet each other with handshakes, like a bunch of goddamned savages.

Unfortunately, the kiss on the cheek, bro hug, and yes, even the vulgar handshake, seem to be going the way of Purdy Lounge thanks to a mindless, microscopic bundle of RNA currently ruining a whole lot of things for just about everyone. So, I decided to enumerate a list of socially distant alternative greetings when meeting friends or family so you don’t just wave at one another like un par de anormales.

Throw Chancletas

This greeting is extremely straightforward. You stand at least six feet apart and pitch thong sandals at each other. Most of us had plenty of experience as the targets of these projectiles, and for those who haven’t, it’s about damn time you did. If your friend suddenly flashes back to early childhood trauma of heat-seeking, boomerang, ICBM footwear flung by furious matriarchs, pause, give them space, ensure they’re OK, and then throw more chancletas at them.

Interpretive Dance

Finally! An outlet to publicly prove that one dance class you took in college was not a cop-out for three easy credits! Express the inner joy of meeting an acquaintance at Starbucks through the magic of movement! Pirouette! Grand jeté! Do the weird snake thing with your arms! Fall to the floor and roll around in circle! Put that liberal arts degree to good use!

Jousting

The ideal scenario obviously involves donning plate armor, mounting a barded destrier, couching a lance, and charging full-tilt down the lists at a friend. However, should you lack the requisite horse and panoply, simply sprint at each other with broomsticks. Just make sure they’re six feet long.

Venmo Stupid Amounts of Money

I am not suggesting you send gigantic sums of cash to your friends, though if you have the disposable income to do so, more power to you and them. Rather, the number, not the sum should be idiotic. Think something a 7th grader might giggle at. See below for examples:

69

420

58008 (turn it upside down)

666

Pi: 3.14

The Golden Ratio: 1.6180

Avogadro’s Constant: 6.0221515 x 10^23

The Imaginary Unit: √-1

Flashing

Who’s ready for a whole lot of caveats?? Only expose your acquaintances to your acquaintances (hey-oh!) if all parties involved overtly consented to such genital revelations. And make sure you’re not around children. And don’t get arrested. And probably don’t do it in public. And maybe just go over their apartment. And possibly have some wine together. And perhaps play some Luther Vandross. And maybe what I’m trying to say is that you should have sex with your friends. Again, six feet apart. For those not gifted with such preposterous physical proportions, figure it out.

But feel free to flash your pets because they constantly do it to us anyway.

If you like our stories, check out our latest book.

Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.