The American Psychological Association today published an unprecedented report declaring that “Miami is a crazy city,” is “dangerously unstable,” adding that it “should be immediately committed to an asylum for its own and others’ safety.” This appears to be the first instance that an entire county is diagnosed with a mental disorder.

“It’s fucking crazy down there!” asserted a wide-eyed Dr. Rebecca Loyne, who led a five-person team of psychiatrists on a fact-finding mission to South Florida. “We’d heard anecdotal stories for years about how absolutely, nonsensically bonkers Miami is, but it’s completely true!”

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Loyne stated that, the second her team drove across the Broward County line, they were immediately “plunged into a white-knuckle death race where the drivers seemed to be purposefully trying to kill us and themselves.”

Things did not improve once they exited I-95. They visited “some sort of juice palace,” where everyone they attempted to interview assumed “we spoke Spanish, or Creole, or French, or Portuguese, or anything other than English,” continued Dr. Loyne in exasperation. “And when I asked for a papaya smoothie, they all laughed at us! I just wanted to eat a papaya!”

The team then travelled to Brickell, where, “We were stuck for 40 minutes behind a moveable bridge so a single sailboat could go into the bay. It was one sailboat!” she yelled. “Scooters were cutting off traffic, pedestrians jumped in front of our car without looking. It was utter madness!”

In Wynwood, the team was accosted by a gang of penny farthing-riding hipsters, who chose not to rob them because their clothes were “too conventional.” Miami Lakes residents were solely interested in claiming they were not in Hialeah, though there were no discernable differences between the municipalities. The team was forced to purchase Venezuelan visas to enter Doral. Miami Beach was underwater despite no rainfall. Little Havana was choked with double-decker London busses. There was no public transportation. Dozens of new condos dotted the skyline, but the units were empty. Finally, “Literally everyone was a real estate agent,” cried Dr. Loyne, throwing her hands in the air. “I agreed to five different apartment viewings just to get out of conversations.”

When asked for her official diagnosis, Dr. Loyne stared blankly at a wall without blinking. “There’s no doubt about it,” she said flatly. “Miami is completely insane.”

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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